Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sun Sep 18, 2005 at 06:53:30 pm EDT
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Finding the Mark, Part Three
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Finding the Mark, Part Three


Previously: We watched Mr. Epitome play an impromptu game of dodge ball with Hacker 9 in the Lair Legion Training Room, then criticize the team’s leaders for covering up Zelnitz’s acts of cyber-terrorism that earned Epitome’s ire in the first place. We also got to see Hatman’s angry reaction to Epitome’s “bullying”, and hopefully we’ll get to see CSFB!’s too at some point in the future. After these little vignettes Dominic tracked down his old ward Charlotte Ouk, aka Artemis, and told her if she couldn’t prove that she had the right stuff to fight crime he would personally end her career as an urban vigilante. I’m assuming this story takes place prior to the recent “Candia” arc in Untold Tales.


Visionary poked his head into his classroom located in Paradopolis University’s Kubert Hall. It was well before class was set to start, but he knew one of his students would be early, “Hello, Glory. Got a minute?”

The young Border collie looked up from her notes and greeted her teacher with a happy bark. Vizh waited for Glory to situate herself so that she could operate the portable translator apparatus Al B. had designed.

“Good morning, Professor Visionary. How can I help you?”

The possibly fake man coughed anxiously and put down his coffee and roster, “Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened in Arkansas. I need to know how you felt about the decision I made to protect Hacker 9 from getting arrested.”

Her ears pricking up in surprise, Glory responded, “I understand why you did it. Exemplary’s presence did not give you many options. Thank you again from stopping him from kicking in my stomach.”

“And thank you again for the cookie bouquet,” Visionary smiled before turning serious, “But, ah, you think it was wrong for me to cover for Zach, don’t you?”

The Mutt of Might shifted awkwardly, “Why do you believe that?”

“Mr. Epitome told me you did.”

“Oh,” there was a long pause, “You were in an impossible situation. What Hacker Nine did was highly illegal and could have had catastrophic repercussions for the country’s security. But I know you would do whatever it takes to protect us.”

Visionary blushed slightly, “Yes, well, Lisa said I’m responsible for the well-being of my students, even the annoying, rabble-rousing ones. It’s in my contract, apparently. But what I shouldn’t have done is put you in a position where you would have to lie to keep me from getting into trouble with the feds.”

Glory cast her eyes downward, “It was an uncomfortable situation, but those come with being a part of the Lair Legion,” she looked up, “You taught us that. You also taught us that nothing is more important than helping your friends.”

“Yes. Ah, well, its good to know that somebody’s paying attention during my lectures,” he reached over to scratch the dog’s muzzle, “Thanks, Glory.”

“You are welcome,” the Dog Dynamo cocked her head, “Was Dominic angry when he talked to you?”

Apparently Glory had not yet heard about Epitome’s encounter with H9 in the Training Room or its aftermaths, “Oh, not at all. You know him: a total professional. It was a mature, rational, dialogue through and through. We even, uh, shook hands,” Vizh lied.

“Good,” Glory noted before observing, “It was lucky that this incident occurred after Dominic’s age regression. If it had taken place before, when he was at the height of his power and responsibility, things would have ended differently for Zach, I am afraid.”

Visionary had no choice but to agree with that. As it was the little punk was lucky only to have to dodge a pair of bowling balls tossed his way.

*****


Much later, in the ruined remains of what was once merely the decrepit storefronts of Seedy Town:


Dana Palgrave had been a successful grifter who had operated along the East Coast until he ran a con on a mid level wise guy who watched over one of the Lynchpin’s gambling dens. Though the man was able to escape with his life it was not before the thug had managed to slice away a good portion of Dana’s face with a linoleum knife. The plastic surgeons were unable to reconnect the damaged muscle and tendons, forcing Dana to adopt a permanently placid (and some might say inscrutable) demeanor.

That’s when Dana Palgrave went a little crazy.

No longer able to project the necessary array of emotions a good con man needs, Dana decided to enter the field of sociopathic super-villainy. Adopting the new name of Poker Face and choosing playing cards as a motif, Dana got his revenge against the man who had mutilated him and launched a successful enough career as a stick-up artist to gather a crew of like minded ner’-do-wells.

“They’re here, boss,” one such lawbreaker announced to Poker Face as he lined up his cards for another round of solitaire.

“They’re late,” he observed neutrally as he brushed a forelock of cherry red hair away from his dead, dull eyes.

“Uh, yeah, sorry about that. We didn’t have the change for the tolls, and Myron left his E-Z Pass back at the Dojoteria, so we had to drive back,” a new arrival, a man in the black bodysuit and mask shrugged apologetically.

“You’d think that cow in the booth would have taken a fifty after hearing we were on a deadline, but no…..” another, similarly garbed figure lamented.

Poker Face eyed the pair impassively until they both began to fidget like chastened schoolchildren, “Where is the money?”

“Whitey and Glen are bringing the bags now,” Myron affected a more stern enunciation, “Where is the Go set?”

One of Poker Face’s henchmen held open a case that carried the wood carved board and figurines.

“That’s it, huh? What’s it do, exactly?”

“Provide an opportunity to test your tactical prowess against a like-minded opponent, I imagine,” Poker Face stood and picked up his deck, “You tell me what it does: you’re the ones who are supposed to be Japanese.”

“Uh, I’m from Sheboygan,” the lead ninja, Rufus, admitted.

*****


Charlotte Ouk received more than just her training and sunny disposition from Mr. Epitome: he provided her with tools as well. The seemingly low-tech bow and arrows were described previously. But there was other instrumentation as well; her blindfold for example, was made of special, psycho-reactive fibers that allowed her to see throughout the visual spectrum, even to the point of simulating X-ray vision. She was using this function now to spy on Poker Face and his contacts.

“Ninjas. That could be a problem, if they work for Masamune… no, wait, I think they’re Ass-Rapers,” Artemis decided from her roof-top vantage point.

“They do seem to be walking a little bow-legged,” Epitome nodded. Charlotte turned and eyed the Paragon of Power suspiciously.

“I was thinking more because of the fact they weren’t carrying guns,” the pink clad Yakuza oyabun wasn’t one to let tradition get in the way of efficiency, “Did you just make a joke there?”

“God forbid. What is your plan of attack?”

“Swing over to the roof, shoot out the fuse box from the skylight, drop down, using the darkness as cover to have my own little Turkey Shoot.”

“Excellent. Proceed,” Dominic folded his arms and waited.

Charlotte glared at the man for a moment. Epitome still couldn’t be this arrogant, she thought. At least before, with fifteen years of experience, such confidence was justified. Now he probably only had half a decade on her in age, and no expertise at all fighting crime.

“Right,” she spat before nocking a swing-line arrow, “Just try to stay out of sight, will you? Red, white, and blue really isn’t ideal camouflage.”

*****


What made the Mind’s Eye truly invaluable to Factor X was the fact she could network without leaving behind any kind of trail, paper or electronic.

With effort, Nadya Prokofiev could use her telepathy to communicate with certain subjects anywhere in the world. This allowed Factor X to keep tabs on the members of his organization without fear of eavesdroppers. Sure, the Super-Menace Principal Undercover Directorate had a squad of psychics that tried, but none of them had had their gifts enhanced a thousand-fold by the power of the Celestians like young Nadya.

The Mind’s Eye was being contacted now, right in the middle of the lead cellist’s of the Beijing Symphony solo. Nadezhda sighed inwardly and took the call.

Nadya did not waste time with professional decorum, instantly plundering the mind that sought her of its reasons to do so. It was from Factor X’s representative in Paradopolis, and what he had to report was indeed notable.

A client, Poker Face, was on the losing end of an encounter with one of the city’s urban vigilantes, a bow-using woman who went by the name Artemis. Poker Face was a beneficiary of Factor X’s Field Extraction Plus Program, which allowed him to call for a getaway agent if A: one was in range, and B: there was no risk of the agent themselves being captured by authorities. Those conditions apparently having been met, extraction was approved, and Evac Jaq was sent in to teleport Poker Face away.

But Jacqueline, ever cautious, had done some reconnaissance, and learned something significant: Mr. Epitome was on site as well. She sent word back to her superiors, who sent word to Nadya. They awaited instructions.

The Mind’s Eye did not hesitate in giving them, “Have Evac Jaq teleport Musk Ox to kill Epitome. No fee should be necessary, given their history. Carry out the extraction on Poker Face, as promised. And Mr. Kessler, you should be extremely grateful that Jacqueline’s cautiousness discovered something your own sloppy surveillance did not. As it is, expect to see a reduction in your quarterly bonus. Apprise me of any relevant news.”

Nadya then closed down her mind so she could concentrate on the music.

*****


Artemis dangled the crescent-shaped blade centimeters from Myron’s left eye, “Tell me who you work for, or you’ll learn how this knife can do the work of a melon baller.”

From his spot nearby Poker Face observed, “She’s bluffing. Believe me, I can tell.”

Mr. Epitome growled and hoisted the man up by his wounded arm, “Talk to me, punk. What does this thing do?” he held out the beeper-sized gadget that Poker Face had activated when he figured the fight was over.

Dana Palgrave’s response to the inquiry was a blank stare.

“I can handle this, Epitome,” Charlotte called over her shoulder. She pressed the knife ever so gently against the ninja’s eyelid, “A twist of the wrist is all it takes; like shucking an oyster.”

Myron decided he did not want her to prove the analogy, “Von Luten. We work for Cornholius Von Luten.”

Artemis was only slightly surprised to hear the name referenced to criminal activity. After all, it was rumored the Dutch shipping magnate used his business as a front for smuggling, “Why is he interested in this Go board?”

“You think he tells us?! We’re just dumb muscle!”

“Heh. Fair enough,” Artemis subdued the ninja with a blow to the temple and stalked over to where Epitome was interfering.

“He’s not going to tell you anything,” she told Epitome, “That would go against his niche: the inscrutable villain who feels no pain. And that niche is all he has.”

Dominic snorted derisively, but stopped when he saw Poker Face nodding in assent.

“Very good, Artemis; always a pleasure working with a professional,” though if he was in fact pleased Palgrave did not show it.

Artemis pointed at the device Dominic held, “It’s obviously some kind of transmitter. He must have called for back-up. His old partner the Kiwi, maybe, or the Quibbler.”

There was a flash of light in the warehouse, as the very fabric of reality tore open. A woman in bulky body armor stepped through the void. She was not alone.

Five hundred pounds of genetically enhanced muscle and hair charged Mr. Epitome. Dominic turned to defend himself from the attacker, but was struck by a powerful, noxious odor that caused his eyes to water and his gag reflex to kick in. These incapacitated him enough so that he had no chance to dodge the vicious head butt that send him careening through the warehouse wall and seven more beyond it.

Musk Ox roared in triumph “Weren’t expecting me, were you, you broke-dick, brain damaged retard?! Too bad, because maybe then you would have had a chance!!”

Then the mutate-animal hybrid galloped off the kill his greatest enemy.

Next: Our concluding chapter. A novice Mr. Epitome versus an extremely pissed-off Musk Ox. A weakened Poker Face versus an even more weakened Artemis. More on the mystery of Cornholius Von Luten (and ten points to whoever guesses who he might be a parody of). All this, and the Lair Legion too, in “Finding the Mark, The Conclusion.”

Footnotes:

Visionary’s and Glory’s heart to heart: takes place at Paradopolis University, which is the site of the Lair Legion Juniors Auxiliary Program. The topic of conversation is Hacker 9’s return foray into cyber-terrorism circa Untold Tales #229 (I think).

Artemis: born Charlotte Ouk, this young lady was rescued twelve years ago by Mr. Epitome from being poisoned by one of his old enemies, Doc Toxic. Though the Paragon of Power saved her, he was unable to prevent the deaths of her parents. He and some trusted confidants raised the illegal immigrant secretly, with Epitome training her to be his partner. The original plan for giving her super powers like Epitome’s fell through for some yet unknown reason (and now that Dominic has lost his memories, we’ll probably never know), but Charlotte refused to quit, running away from her home and traveling to Paradopolis where she uses her archery skills to fight crime.

The Ass-Raping Ninjas: the less said about them, the better, probably. : ) Hopefully Kirk will find their portrayal here (anyone else here a fan of “The Tick”?) simpatico with his own vision of the clan.

Factor X and the Mind’s Eye: having been getting a lot of screen time lately, so its probably unnecessary to go into much detail about them. Suffice it to say they are a pair of Russian entrepreneurs who provide all manners of support for the bad guys of the Parodyverse.

Musk Ox: a genetically-engineered creation of the mysterious Low Evolutionary (someday I’ll have to go back and finish up that “Lair Legion Unlimited” storyline I started with him as the antagonist), Bovus 18 left his home in the Peaceable Kingdom to challenge himself in combat against the superhumans of the Parodyverse. He is especially fixated on defeating Mr. Epitome. Monstrously strong and resistant to damage, Musk Ox can also emit deadly pheromones that can weaken or kill an unprotected target. Last time he appeared (Mr. Epitome #42, I think) Mr. Epitome and Glory made quick work of him, but that was when Dominic was prepared and had all of his faculties. Expect a much different outcome this time.























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